People Deserve Better from Me (And So Do I)

From what WordPress is telling me, it’s been 16 months since either (a) I had anything worth writing about, or (b) I had temporarily become non-lazy enough to actually commit to writing something. I imagine the answer is probably (c) a bit of both.

More than one person has told me in the past that I need to write more – that they enjoy my perspective on things. I am appreciative of such compliments, but I am never very good at actually doing anything with them. I thank them in the moment, to be sure, but I long to be the person who is spurred on by such praise to do more and more. Instead, I usually chalk it up to them just being nice and nothing more. I imagine part of it probably has to do with my near-constant imposter syndrome that I carry around with me at all times. Hopefully I can see my way clear of that eventually, or at least find a way to mitigate it. People deserve better from me than that.

Not only that, but I deserve better from me than that. It’s always struck me as odd when I reflect on how I treat myself that I would never, EVER treat anyone else the way I treat myself. The cognitive dissonance should be setting off loud alarms with flashing lights, but somehow it’s just never seemed to alter my actions and reactions:

• Frustrated with the way your job search has gone? I’d never tell anyone that their lack of finding a job is a reflection of how terrible a candidate/person they must be, but it’s not hard to come to that conclusion about myself after 4.5 years of trying and failing. I mean…why else are these churches looking elsewhere?
• Not happy with what you see in the mirror? I’d never kick someone while they’re down in the futile hopes of negging them into changing their life around, but I somehow think doing the same thing to myself is going to eventually make some kind of difference.
• Are those first two struggles making your social life that much more difficult? I certainly would never tell someone else that they should just assume, given that they’re a big enough loser to be jobless for so long and so unattractive, that others don’t want to be around you, regardless of whether or not anyone has ever said that. Besides, what could you possibly have to offer them that is of any interest or benefit?

Folks, this stuff is nothing new if you’ve read past entries either here or on my previous short-lived blog. I’m not posting this for sympathy (PLEASE NO), because this stuff is of my own doing, and I have allowed it to take hold. I’m writing about it now in case someone else out there who might happen by chance to stumble across this might have experienced or is experiencing similar struggles. For them (and for myself), I just want to say two things:

• As you well know, it’s INCREDIBLY easy to lie to yourself about a great many things. I understand that there are a lot of people in this world who struggle because people have told them lies about themselves that they ended up believing. That is tragic, and my heart aches for them, but that is not my story. My story is that I lied to myself. I lied, and then I lied some more, and eventually the lies became internalized. Once that happens, praise and compliments like those I mentioned earlier just seem to fall on deaf ears. You WANT to believe it, but for whatever reason, you just can’t. It’s heartbreaking.
• These lies most likely never go away completely. It’s kind of like an addiction – you can beat it, but it requires a lifetime of vigilance. That’s where I’ve had the most frustration in my own journey. I get to a point where I think I’m making progress, and then the lies resurface. I’m not ready for it – I somehow convinced myself that they’d never come back, I guess – and I fall back down the hill, having to start pushing the boulder up all over again. You have to be ready for them.

That’s pretty much all I’ve got for now. I mostly wanted to write this as a jump-start of sorts for myself to stop wallowing in disappointment over my lack of…well, a life, really, and get active again, both in body and mind. I do plan on trying to write more, as I’ve been encouraged to do, and I hope, piece by piece and step by step, I can start to undo a lot of the damage that I have done to myself over the years through these lies.

Thanks for reading.

Talk About the Passion

IT’S THE NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!!!

OK, technically it’s already January 12^th, but still, we have a new year in front of us, full of potential opportunities, surprises, joys, disappointments, and everything else that makes up life. There’s something very enticing about the idea of being able to “start over,” especially if the previous year wasn’t such a great one.

That, of course, is another question: how does one determine the quality of a particular year? Outside of the few unlucky ones who suffered an entire year of only misfortunes or the few very lucky ones who enjoyed a year of only blessings, the rest of us in the real world experienced our share of both. How we evaluate those experiences, as well as how much weight we give to them, will vary from person to person. Some are able to see good in just about everything, while others are quite the opposite.

Sometimes, a single event or circumstance can cast a long shadow, effectively nullifying the positive or negative impact of other events in one’s life. This is something I can certainly relate to as I now close in on the end of my 3^rd year of looking for full-time ministry work. Not to get too deep into that, because that’s not the point of this post, but prolonged failure of that sort can really have an effect on other experiences. Joys may not be as joyful; disappointments may be even more magnified. It’s difficult to really explain what it’s like to anyone who hasn’t experienced something comparable. Much like I did when the search first started, I still tell people, “It’s OK. Something will come up eventually.” Intellectually, I still believe that, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a bit harder with each passing day.

Enough of that for now, though. This is 2016! It’s a new start! This is that wonderful time of year when people make innumerable resolutions that they rarely ever keep for longer than a month or two! When I say “people,” I am certainly including myself. I’ve done the whole charade of making a list of the “things I want to change about myself” or “things I want to accomplish” in the new year, and within a very, VERY short period of time those lists are rendered moot for any number of reasons – laziness, lack of resources, lack of interest, and so on. It’s more demoralizing than anything, which is why I actually haven’t done it in a number of years.

This year, however, I want to change that. Not with a never-ending list of things I want to accomplish or things I want to change about myself, but with a single wish for the new year: I want to discover (or rediscover) a passion – ANY passion – in my life. I should note that I am talking about passion in a general sense, not passion in a strictly romantic sense (though that would be OK as well). I find that the things I feel passionate about and the times in which I feel passionate about them are very few and far between. It might seem odd that someone who strives to be a minister would talk about struggling with feeling passion – after all, shouldn’t you feel passionate about doing ministry work, or teaching, or preaching, or the Bible, or any number of other things? My answer would be: Yes, and at times I do feel passionate about the different aspects of ministry work, but that’s a rather simplistic view, in my opinion. For one, any passion can become muted when it is reduced to the level of mere routine, and that is all too common a problem for ministers, even part-time ones like myself. Passion also needs to be fed by others who share a similar passion – or ANY passion, for that matter. Just the mere fact that you are around others who have something in their lives that drives them, that fuels them, that gives them motivation – that can be very contagious. Sometimes in ministry, that’s not always the case. It’d be nice if everyone who was a minister and everyone to whom they ministered were always filled with a consuming passion for God and for the Gospel, but that’s just not the case. I’m not even saying they’re bad or wrong for not being that way; that’s mostly just an unfortunate side-effect of being human. I do think, however, that our lack of passion should demand more attention that it usually does.

Well, before this turns into too much of a rant, I would like to encourage any of the 3 people who read this blog to join with me in seeking to find more passion in their lives in the new year. I’m not really restricting myself as to where that passion manifests itself. I had originally thought that I wanted to try and rediscover a passion for reading, and I still might do that, but perhaps it’s better to try many new things and see what I naturally gravitate to. We shouldn’t limit ourselves to “things,” either – there are plenty of worthy causes or ideals out there to feel passionate about. What are some of the things/causes/ideals/etc. in your lives that you feel passionate about? Why are you so passionate about them? Does that passion wane at times? If so, how do you get it back? I’d love to hear anything and everything you all have to say about the passion you all have in your lives. Until then, Happy New Year and God bless you all!

Oh, and here’s one for the road:

 

Workouts and Such

I have no intention of turning this into some kind of food/diet/exercise blog, mostly because it would be the worst food/diet/exercise blog ever if I tried, but I do think some accountability is a good thing. Given that I work out by myself and eat by myself most of the time, it can be very easy to slack off and either skip a day of exercise every so often (not usually a problem, but it happens sometimes) or eat things that are not good for me (a much bigger problem, and the main reason why the scale hasn’t moved in 10 months despite working out regularly). Because of this, I am going to try to integrate some accountability into my blog posts – just simple stuff, like the workouts that I do and the things I eat. I’m also very, very open to any suggestions that the 4 people who probably read this blog might have for me as far as things I can improve.

Typically, here’s how my workouts go:

Monday/Friday:

Incline Dumbbell Press – 3 X 10
Lateral Pulldown – 3 X 10
Dumbbell Flys – 3 X 10
Upright Rows – 3 X 10
Tricep Pulldown – 3 X 10
Straight Bar Curl – 3 X 10
Suspension Strap Tricep Extension – 3 X 10
Suspension Strap Bicep Curl – 3 X 10
Incline Crunch – 3 X 15

Tuesday/Thursday:

Heavy Bag Workout

• Jab – 20 Right/20 Left
• Cross – 20 Right/20 Left
• Hook – 20 Right/20 Left
• Jab/Cross – 20 Right/20 Left
• Jab/Cross/Hook – 15 Right/15 Left
• Front Kick – 20 Right/20 Left
• Side Kick – 20 Right/20 Left
• Roundhouse Kick – 20 Right/20 Left
• Crescent/Bubble Kick – 20 Right/20 Left
• Punch Combos – 4 sets of 6 of each
  • Jab/Cross X 4
  • Body Blows X 9
  • Left Hook X 1

Wednesday:

Shoulder Press – 3 X 10
Lateral Raises – 3 X 10
Suspension Strap T Deltoid Fly – 3 X 10
Hack Squat – 3 X 10
Leg Press – 5 X 10 (I do 5 mostly because I just really enjoy this exercise)
Squat – 3 X 10
Leg Extension – 3 X 10
Leg Curl – 3 X 10
Incline Crunch – 3 X 15

At some point, I’d like to start expanding my horizons and including different exercises in these routines. I’d especially like to find a spot for deadlifts in there somewhere. Again, I am very much open to suggestions.

Well, that’s all for this post. Here’s one for the road:

I Swear, THIS TIME I’m Going to Start Posting More!

Has it really been 7 months since I last wrote a blog post? Good grief! I shouldn’t be surprised, I guess – it’s pretty much par for the course for me to say “I’m gonna blog more!” and then not do it.

Not much has changed job-wise in the last 7 months. I did have a tryout for a pulpit minister position at a church in Loveland, OH, but didn’t end up getting that job. Other than that, I’ve mostly just been trying to focus on my part-time Associate Minister work at East Park, while still checking the listings and sending out resumes regularly. There are still plenty of jobs that “require” a married man, and I think I’m in the process of shifting from “I’m not even going to bother sending them anything” to “I’m going to make them tell me no.” Yes, I’m being obstinate, but I’ve spent far too long being afraid of stepping on toes in these kinds of matters. Besides, if it gets AT LEAST ONE CHURCH to actually tell me WHY they have such a policy, it will be well worth it. I’m actually already 0-for-1 in that regard. A church sent me a questionnaire to fill out (oh, how I do love those!) and one of the questions was, “What is your wife’s role in your current position?” I knew ahead of time, of course, that they were only looking for someone who was married, and I had even declined to apply for this particular job in the past when it had come up for precisely that reason. This time, I responded a bit differently:

I am not married. I do realize that the listing for this position mentioned that you were looking for a married man, and indeed, the last time this position came open, I removed my name from consideration because of that. Having now been on an almost 3-year-long search for full-time work, and having seen countless job listings either requiring or preferring a married man without even the slightest attempt to explain why that is either important or biblical, I have decided to pass that responsibility off to the churches. If they want to exclude me from consideration based on marital status, then that is their choice, though I still do not understand the justification for it. 

My apologies if that comes off as snarky or mean. I am not trying to be a jerk; I am simply trying to explain my reasoning for even sending you my information as well as my lack of understanding behind why churches place such an emphasis on marital status in their hiring practices.

The response I received back from them:

Gary,

We do appreciate your desire to serve as our youth minister. However, we believe that the position requires a married man with the full support of his wife. At this time, we are considering other candidates and are not considering you for the position. We wish you well as you endeavor to serve the Lord.

My response:

Thank you for the response, though I was hoping for perhaps a little more than a “we believe that…” statement with no explanation. Thank you for the well-wishes, and good luck to (church name redacted) in their search for a new Youth Minister. 

It is sometimes hard to be cordial and not let the snark come through. I’m sure this will not be the last of these kinds of conversations I will have. Being overly passive hasn’t really helped me in almost 3 years, so perhaps a different approach is called for.

That’s enough talk about job searching for now. Probably the best thing that’s happened in the past 7 months – and really, the last 10, going back to just after the start of the new year – is that I’ve gotten into a fairly normal exercise routine. On the advice of my good friend Sasha (I have no idea if she’ll read this or not, but if she does – THANKS, SASHA!), I joined a local gym in early January. It was slow going at first, ‘cause I can’t remember the last time I had been exercising on a regular basis, but eventually I worked up to where I’ve been going 4-5 times per week, trying to find a mix between lifting and cardio, which usually consists of punches and kicks on a heavy bag. Two things I know for sure after almost a year of doing this: (1) I can definitely see a change in my body, a/k/a there’s more muscle and (I think) less fat, even though the number on the scale hasn’t really changed much; (2) Even if I manage to meet my ultimate weight goals, I think my self-image issues will always be a problem. Even now, when I have managed to put on at least SOME muscle, I still don’t see as much of a change as I’d like, and if anything, I sometimes think I actually look worse. That’s not something that a purely cosmetic overhaul will fix; that’s something I’ll have to work out alongside any physical changes I make. Still, this is a good first step.

Well, I’m kinda running out of steam on this post, so I’m gonna wrap it up. I will definitely, sincerely, honestly try and blog more. I think in the past I’ve stifled my postings by assuming I needed to post along some kind of general theme. That may come in time, but for now I think I’m just going to start posting about anything that comes to mind. Hopefully I can hold myself to that; perhaps if I can build up some posting momentum, it can kind of become a habit over time. We’ll see.

Here’s one for the road:

“A Matter of Temperament”

This will be a short post – just wanted to at least write something since I hadn’t posted for a week and in the past that usually turns into multiple weeks which turns into never posting again.

Some of you might be wondering – I mean, you’re most likely not, but you MIGHT be – where the title of my blog came from? Well, it came from an interview of C. S. Lewis on May 7, 1963 at Magdalen College by a Mr. Sherwood Wirt of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. Here is the relevant excerpt:

Mr. Wirt: A light touch has been characteristic of your writings, even when you are dealing with heavy theological themes. Would you say there is a key to the cultivation of such an attitude?

Lewis: I believe this is a matter of temperament. However, I was helped in achieving this attitude by my studies of the literary men of the Middle Ages, and by the writings of G. K. Chesterton. Chesterton, for example, was not afraid to combine serious Christian themes with buffoonery. In the same way, the miracle plays of the Middle Ages would deal with a sacred subject such as the nativity of Christ, yet would combine it with a farce.

Mr. Wirt: Should Christian writers, then, in your opinion, attempt to be funny?

Lewis: No. I think that forced jocularities on spiritual subjects are an abomination, and the attempts of some religious writers to be humorous are simply appalling. Some people write heavily, some write lightly. I prefer the light approach because I believe there is a great deal of false reverence about. There is too much solemnity and intensity in dealing with sacred matters; too much speaking in holy tones.

Granted, Lewis said “false reverence” as opposed to “improper reverence,” but whatever – I like “proper irreverence” more than “true irreverence,” which just sounds weird. I certainly lean more towards the “lighter” style, and hopefully that will come through in my postings here. It’s not that I don’t take my faith seriously, of course; on the contrary, I like to think that the fact that I take it seriously requires that I write about it “lightly.”

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for now. Like I said, I wanted to keep it short. Hopefully this will be the start of me posting a bit more frequently, whether on religious matters of varying importance or on non-religious matters of dubious importance – like, I don’t know, my undying love for Taylor Swift or something. And yes, I absolutely added that last part just so I could tag this post with “Taylor Swift” in a pathetic attempt to bring in more readers. It may be the first time, but it won’t be the last.

In the spirit of a “lighter” approach, I’m bringing back my “here’s one for the road” music video embeddings that were so very popular in my previous blog. So…here ya go:

Seriously, though: I love Taylor Swift. Judge away, if you must.

Thoughts on Job Searching in Ministry and Singleness

My first post on a new blog! Well, technically it’s a new blog, but it’s still on WordPress, so not entirely new. I would link back to my old, depressing blog, but I think I may have deleted it, or at least deleted all the posts, so…oh well. Anyway, since it’s a first post, I won’t drone on TOO long, but I did want to at least type out a few thoughts on something that I’ve wanted to at least superficially write about for quite a while now. So…

In the midst of a 2+ year journey to finding a full-time ministry job, there are some things that I have simply come to accept.

I have accepted the fact that, though my Master of Divinity degree represents an amazing 4.5 year period of my life where I grew spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually, most churches don’t seem to give that degree by itself a whole lot of weight when considering candidates for ministry.

I have accepted the fact that I would likely have a job by now if I had more actual ministry experience under my belt, given that many churches flat-out require a certain number of years of ministry work in order to even be considered for the job (which is why I say the Master’s degree “by itself” doesn’t seem to carry much weight; if I could combine it with, say, 5 years experience, I’d probably be golden).

I have accepted the fact that, for some reason, churches are very hit-or-miss in being considerate to ministerial candidates – failing to reply to resume submissions, or replying once but never following up when they say that they will, or interviewing candidates either over-the-phone or on Skype and then not following up in a timely fashion, just to give a few examples. Instances like those, even though they shouldn’t happen, can at least be somewhat explained as just small oversights.

Other examples, however, are a bit more puzzling. I actually had a tryout at a church in late January, and I STILL have not heard back from the church as to where the minister search is going. In fact, I went to the members section of their website, and it appears as though they may have hired a new minister. That’s fine, of course – they’re certainly not required to hire me – but how do you not let the other candidates know that, especially when you had several people come in and try out, and you called them all a week after the last try out to see if they were still interested in the job prior to your “meeting” where you supposedly were going to make a decision as to who to hire? I don’t feel as though it’s asking too much to demand that a church’s leadership be considerate of the applicants in that situation.

So yes, despite the fact that I think churches could do things better (and in some cases, MUCH better) when it comes to job searches, I have come to accept that many of these things are simply “the way things are” and change will come slowly, if at all. However, there is one thing about some churches and the way they conduct job searches that I will never accept or understand, and that is the notion that, in order to even be considered for a ministerial position, one much be married.

That’s right – a lack of a wife (or lack of a husband for female candidates, I suppose, but this is the Church of Christ we’re talking about, so never mind) is seen as a NEGATIVE. Marital status is not a neutral consideration for many churches; it is something that is at the very core of what they are looking for in their ministers. Never mind the obvious Biblical response that most people would give to this, which is “Hey, Jesus and Paul weren’t married. Are you saying they couldn’t be ministers today?”, to which I assume these churches would reply either “Yes, that is what we’re saying” or “No, Jesus and Paul are exceptions because reasons.”

What might those reasons be? Honestly, I have no idea. Though I find this practice repulsive, I have never asked a church’s leadership why they require their ministers to be married. One could certainly speculate as to some of the reasons, though. I imagine some folks are convinced that marriage is a clear sign of maturity in a ministerial candidate. “After all, he has taken a marriage vow, and that is a very serious thing. Obviously we can trust that he is more mature and will take his job more seriously than someone who has taken no such vow.” Others might argue that, being a married man, he brings certain aspects of ministry to the table – I am thinking particularly of pastoral marriage counseling – that unmarried ministers likely do not. “Certainly he can relate better to other couples in the congregation and the struggle they are going through.” Still others, scraping the bottom of the barrel of reasons, simply want to get two workers for the price of one. “Oh, you’re married? That’s great! We’re looking forward to both you and your wife serving this congregation through (insert ministry program A/B/C)!” After all, what is the wife to do? Refuse to serve? That’s not setting a good example as the minister’s wife, now, is it? Think of how that will make him look! Oh, the horror!

Now, these reasons all have at least one thing in common: they are, first and foremost, reasons of practicality. There is nothing even remotely resembling a theological grounding or reasoning in these responses. Why do men and women seek to be ministers? Is it not, at its most basic level, because they feel called and compelled to serve God and the church in those capacities? Is there anything about God calling an individual into His service that requires a spouse in order to make that calling valid? Assuming I do eventually get married one day, is the work I did prior to that marriage negated? If, God forbid, my wife leaves me or passes away while I am a minister, do I have to stop ministering? If I don’t, is all of my post-marriage work invalidated? If your answer to these questions is “no,” then you’re starting to get an idea of why this requirement of marriage for ministers is beyond nonsensical.

Probably what bothers me most about this practice, however, is that, at its core, it is blatantly discriminatory, and as such should have no place at all in the church. To deny someone the opportunity to even apply for a job simply on the basis of marital status is not “slightly” discriminatory or “possibly” discriminatory” – it’s just flat-out discriminatory, and we justify it by hiding behind flimsy reasoning that has nothing to do with our identity as a church that offers a place for everyone, married or single, “Jew or Greek, slave or free.” One might counter and say, “But Gary, there are states in which refusing employment on the basis of one’s marital status is perfectly legal.” I would agree – there ARE states (quite a few, in fact) where that is legal. This is 100% true, and yet has nothing to do with what I am saying, because the church does not takes its cues about what is right or wrong from the law books of a particular state (or country, or any similar construct, for that matter). “What is legal” and “what is right” are not inherently the same. I’d like to think that, as the church, we ought to hold ourselves to a higher standard of conduct; after all, isn’t that what we are called to?

I don’t want this post to devolve into TOO much of a rant, and so I’ll draw it to a close here. Besides, I probably should get back to studying for the Bible class I am teaching on Sunday morning (as part of being a part-time Associate Minister…at my home church…a church that was gracious enough to give me an opportunity to serve despite my singleness). I hope that people (you know, the five of you who actually end up reading this) do not get the wrong impression and think that I am unfairly painting ALL congregations in the Church of Christ with a broad brush. Not all churches require marriage for their ministers, as demonstrated by the fact that I, a single man, have sent plenty of resumes and had interviews and even a try out. For those congregations that DO fit that description, I do not think any of what I have said is at all unfair; even if done with “the best of intentions,” this practice is unquestionably discriminatory and antithetical to what the church is all about. I have hope that there might come a day when churches can get past the poor assumptions and stubborn pride that allows such policies to exist, but I’ll be honest – I’m not sure when that day will be or how it will come about. When something has become so entrenched that it’s simply assumed, open and honest discussion is usually not even a consideration.